Understanding Loneliness: What It Teaches Us About Connection

Loneliness is the feeling that arises when there is too much space, real or imagined, between ourselves and others. It reflects our deep, inherent desire for companionship and community. Although loneliness can be uncomfortable, it carries an important message: it reminds us of our need for human connection and gently urges us to seek it.

Loneliness is not the same as being physically alone. We can feel lonely even when surrounded by people if we feel unseen, misunderstood, or unappreciated. This distinction is important. Being alone refers to a physical state, while loneliness is an internal experience. The two can exist independently or overlap. Some people may feel lonely despite being socially active, while others may be alone without feeling lonely at all.

Let's explore loneliness vs. being alone

Loneliness

• An internal feeling or perception.

• Subjective and personal.

• Not easily measured, as it is an inner experience.

Being Alone

• An external, observable condition.

• Objective.

• Measurable by the amount or frequency of social contact.

Loneliness often feels empty, uncomfortable, and anxiety-provoking. When we feel disconnected, our nervous system can shift into a state of alarm. As social beings, we are wired for connection, so the absence of it can be interpreted as a threat.

Anxiety associated with loneliness can lead to rumination and intrusive thoughts, such as self-blame (“It’s my fault I’m lonely”) or catastrophic predictions (“I’ll always be alone” or “No one will ever like me”). When left unchallenged, these thoughts can spiral into sadness, substance use, or depression - deepening the experience of loneliness. This often leads to withdrawal, which ironically intensifies the very feeling we are trying to escape.

Shame is another emotion closely linked to loneliness. Many people believe that feeling lonely is embarrassing or a sign of personal failure, something they shouldn’t feel. Even though this belief isn’t true, it can easily take hold, making loneliness heavier and harder to talk about.

Yet loneliness is not without value. It highlights the beauty and importance of shared experiences. Without it, we might take connection for granted or overlook the role community plays in our well-being.

Habits That Can Worsen Loneliness

Certain patterns can unintentionally intensify loneliness, including:

• Prioritizing quantity over quality in relationships: When feeling lonely, it’s tempting to seek more connections, but deepening existing relationships is often far more fulfilling.

• Overusing social media instead of engaging in real-life interactions: While social media has benefits, excessive use has been linked to increased feelings of loneliness.

• Viewing loneliness as inherently bad: Although unpleasant, loneliness can offer opportunities for self-reflection and a deeper appreciation for connection.

• Avoiding authenticity or vulnerability: Meaningful connection requires the courage to be seen as we truly are.

Feel It, Don’t Resist It

Many of us try to push loneliness away by staying constantly busy, scrolling on our phones, binge-watching TV, using food or substances, or rushing into relationships before we’re ready. While these coping strategies are understandable, they often make loneliness linger longer.

There’s a paradox here: the more we resist an emotion, the more power it tends to have.

You may recognize this from times you tried to suppress an uncomfortable feeling, only to find it resurfacing later.

Moving through loneliness begins with allowing yourself to feel it, without judgment or resistance. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up or staying stuck. It means acknowledging your emotional reality so you can respond to it more skillfully.

Once you allow loneliness to be present, you are better equipped to take thoughtful, constructive steps toward connection.

Be Kind to Yourself

When we feel lonely, it’s easy to assume something is wrong with us or that we are unworthy of love and belonging. But how we interpret loneliness plays a powerful role in how it affects us.

Consider two different perspectives:

Person A blames themselves and believes their loneliness will last forever.

Person B attributes their loneliness to temporary circumstances and views it as changeable.

These mindsets lead to very different outcomes. Person A is more likely to withdraw and isolate, while Person B feels encouraged to take positive action. This illustrates how our beliefs can shape the intensity and duration of loneliness.

Loneliness, like all emotions, is complex.

To truly understand it, and to loosen its grip, we must meet it with curiosity, compassion, and openness rather than resistance.