As the holiday season approaches, many of us become more and more aware of the chairs at our tables that will be empty. The weight of grief bearing down on us more than usual. Feeling frustrated with the juxtaposition of the “happiest time of the year” and the deep longing sadness within us. We often end up slapping on a smile to go to holiday parties and family events while being simultaneously painfully aware of the smiles and faces that are missing.
Whether we’re missing a loved one that died during the previous year, or many years ago. Whether we are acutely aware that half of our family is missing from the celebration because our parents divorced the previous year. The celebration of the holidays is often fraught with grief. Despite this, it is easy to feel as if something is wrong with us as we hear the echos of laughter swirl around us. Despite the smiles and laughter of those around us, it is important to realize that we are not alone in our pain.
Each and every one of us slaps on a smile thinking that that’s what those around us want: to blend in with everyone around us at all costs. Despite the fact that those around us are experiencing their own version of grief, often just as profound as the grief that we feel. We live in a society that is non-conducive to grieving so we often prefer to hide our grief, rather than grieve publicly.
When our jobs give us a week off of work for the death of a first degree relative (siblings, parents, children), when students are expected to catch up on all the work they missed immediately following missing school for the death of a family member, when the gifts stop showing up at our doors and the funeral is over… we’re left with a choice. Dare to defy the norms of the paradigm we live in and continue to publicly grieve, talking about the lost loved one with others, shading tears in public, sharing real connections with others as we navigate the most painful parts of life. Or Jamming our grief down, pretending that everything is resolved.
Those that have lost someone closest to them know that grief is never resolved, it continues as long as your heart continues beating. Those that have lost someone close to them know that you never move on, you just slowly figure out how to move forward.
How our society views grief would give you the impression that you should be done with grieving after a few weeks. When in reality, uncomplicated grief (the main period of grief that follows loss) lasts for six months to two years in most people.
When we don’t allow ourselves to grieve we start expressing our pain in maladaptive ways. Starting to struggle with anger, ongoing symptoms that mirror clinical depression, feeling extremely anxious and trying to control our surroundings, ongoing dissociation and feelings of apathy. The grief begins to consume us from the inside out.
Your challenge is to fully feel the grief and pain as it comes. Cry when you need to cry, find a safe person to talk to when you need to talk, maybe seek out counseling so you have someone to safely and regularly talk to. Someone to cry to without judgment.
Tell a story about your grandfather at Christmas dinner that has everyone simultaneously laughing and crying. Continue to pass out raisins on halloween because your grandmother insisted on passing out a “healthy” option. Continue the tradition of making your aunt’s cookies on Christmas. Remember those you love, because you will always continue to love them.
It is not that we have loved in the past, it is that we love presently and will continue to do so.
And so we grieve.
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